There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.