I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.