British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.