British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.