British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?