I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.