I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"