I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Say what you want about the deaf.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.