I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.