See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.