I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Say what you want about the deaf.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"