I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.