When someone close to you dies, move seats.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it