I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.