I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

How many airports are there in the world?