When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.