When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.