When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.