I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.