I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.