A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I don't see myself as offending people.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.