A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"