A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.