A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.