Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?