How many airports are there in the world?

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'