My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Say what you want about the deaf.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.