My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."