My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.