I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"