I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I don't see myself as offending people.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.