I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Say what you want about the deaf.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.