I don't see myself as offending people.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?