I don't see myself as offending people.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.