My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Say what you want about the deaf.