My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"