A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol