A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?