I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.