I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.