If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.