If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.