Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

How many airports are there in the world?

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"