Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.