I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.