I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"