I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.