I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.