I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.