I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?