Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'