Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.