Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.