Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I don't see myself as offending people.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.