I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

How many airports are there in the world?

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!