I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.