I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.