I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.