My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.