My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

Say what you want about the deaf.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.