A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.