A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.