Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
Jimmy CarrMy favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
Jimmy CarrSwimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
Jimmy CarrRecently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
Jimmy CarrThere was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
Jimmy Carr