Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I don't see myself as offending people.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.