Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.