There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.