I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.