I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.