All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.