I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.