I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.