I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.