I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.