Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I don't see myself as offending people.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.