Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.