Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.