No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.