No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.