No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.