My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.