My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.