The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.