The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.