The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.