The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

Say what you want about the deaf.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.