Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.