Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.