If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.