If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.