I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!