I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

I don't see myself as offending people.