Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.