Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.