Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.