Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.