I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.