I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."