I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.