You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?