You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."