old age' is always ten years more than we are.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.