old age' is always ten years more than we are.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.